So a few months ago I learned the term, Passive Suicidal Ideation, which is a pervasive wish to be dead, with no plan to end it, which is Active Suicidal Ideation.

Now before we go on, I should say, that if you, or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, there is help available. Here in the United States, we have 988, which is a suicide and crisis hotline. They are there, and not just for suicide prevention. Unfortunately, due to the vast evil that is the Trump administration, and the “Christians” that run it, and voted for him, the part of the service that helped one of the largest groups of suicides, LGBTQIA+ teens, their service, especially for Trans youth, was removed. There are efforts to reinstate it, but without help for Trans youth, though LGBTQIA+ youth are the highest risk of suicide, followed closely by vets, as our nation doesn’t do a good job of supporting our vets, but that’s another subject. Anyhow, while they may not have specific resources to help at risk LGBTQIA+ youth, I still encourage anyone having active thoughts on suicide to call 988, or your local helpline, and get the help you need.

Also now that is likely just a temporary rant/vent.

I was non the less a bit confused. I thought that was what depression was. Wishing one was dead, that they hated life. No active plan to end it, so not what I would have called fully suicidal, just not wanting to be alive. I thought, that is what defined how bad the depression was at any one moment in time. How loud and strong was that voice? Loud and strong? Then that’s a high depression moment or day. Subtle and quite, but still in the background? Then a low depression day. To find out that not everyone, at least those who are depressed, feels that every moment of every day was a shock. Like I find it hard to comprehend a depression moment where the voice that says “God! I fucking hate my life!” wasn’t present.

Here’s an article from Health Central on Passive Suicidal Ideation. And here’s a decent video on 5 Things to Know About Passive Suicidal Ideation. Right click those, open them in private window if needed.

For me, it’s been something I’ve struggled with near as long as I can remember. When I was a teen, through the 20s, lots of it was driven by loneliness. I literally had no friends in school after 5th grade through all of high school. Closest I got was this one girl who stopped and said hi a few times. She was the girl I had a crush on in 11th and 12th grade… actually let’s back up to 10th grade. I had some kids that I’d talk to in one class, and I sat next to this one girl, another girl I had a crush on. And she moved. And I still remember that this one girl, never knew her or anything about her, but she asked if I missed “your girlfriend” so and so, and I remember being like, I wished she was my girlfriend… I don’t remember her name even all these years later. I do remember the girl I had a crush on in 11th and 12th grade. She became a therapist, and I was even briefly seeing one of the other therapist in the same group as she was in. Odd small world. Anyhow, I had some friends around 11th and 12th grade at work, but not at school. Not really. Then some at college, then back to the same work. Then other jobs throughout the years, were I’d be friends or somewhat friends.

Around 21 and 25 I was more actively suicidal, more over not having had a girlfriend, and still being a virgin. And I don’t blame the ladies. I wasn’t an Incel, guys who seem to blame the women for not loving them. I blamed myself. I knew I was weird, and shy, and that the shyness had a great deal to do with it. It was involuntary, but, like shy, and not good looking, and all that. Not their fault at all, it all had to do with defects in myself, which is what was one of the primary drivers of the depression, and thought patterns. Like, I did think I could be a good guy for some lady, but also knew I was a bit too weird.

I didn’t have a girlfriend until basically 27/28, and I don’t think she’d have called herself a girlfriend, just a friend. But she did take my virginity. Then had my first real girlfriend at 30 or so. Then it was on again and off again, but the depression stuck around, though changed focus, and became more and more money focused.

Through the 30s and 40s, most of the depression, and the return of the strong passive suicidal ideation, came more and more from financial struggles. Too much debt, not enough income, because I’m an idiot, never saved, never properly finished a real college, and lots of other excuses or whatever.

Had kids, felt I was messing them up. Especially when I gave them up for adoption by their step father… to be fair to myself, there was lots of discussions at the time of them all moving far out west, so I’d hardly ever see them, and I was in a very bad state financially at the time. But I’ve hated myself every day since for doing that.

Add to all that, finances, mostly debts, and I still hate myself. That voice in the head saying “God you fucking suck”. Waking up, and first thought is “Fucking hell! I fucking hate my life!” because I woke up. Going to work, and hating having to do it. Then coming home, and just not doing the right things there, and I can’t go into all the things here and now… like everything seems to be a complete failure, and that voice, that voice is there reminding me, nearly every moment of every day, that it’d be better to be dead, then have to deal with this life anymore.

To be clear, I have zero desire to kill myself. That was really only in the early to mid 20s. But there is zero desire to live. Like I’m sure my wife would miss me, and the kids would miss me, and my parents. But the constant thought is, but the pain of dealing with it all, every moment of every day. To have that voice shut the fuck up.

But as I was saying, I was shocked to find out that isn’t every person who is dealing with depression goes through. That you can be depressed, and not constantly wish you were dead? What? I still can’t wrap my head around that idea, because I’ve dealt with that voice, or voices to be more appropriate, for so long. I say voices is more appropriate, as there are a few different distinct voices. And not schizophrenic voices. I know they are just different thought patterns, not different voices from the outside or whatever, but they “sound” different, while not having a sound. Like hard to describe if nobody has thoughts that have different voices.